My mind is racing extremely hard and I feel like it's either a) A Panic attack in the making, sounding like a monster movie, something like Jaw's coming to get me and I don't know how to express how stressed I feel. OR b) An Anxiety attack, something that makes things seem a lot worse than they are, when in reality, it's not that bad. I feel like it's a mixture of both.
I'm currently sitting on a friend's couch who has been for the past few months been letting me stay here to sleep because of my wacky travel things and other opportunities I've been involved with for the past couple months. I'm not going to get too into detail because what I'm feeling doesn't really have to do with this, but it is still a part of why I feel it has become a pull away or issue.
With this years summer approaching, I had planned so much for myself. I had this current thing planned and I just kept putting myself out there to the point where I was stressing myself out. But I guess that too is an issue. I'm pushing myself too thin and making myself stressed out, badly, for no reason. Again, I love to be busy so I don't think it's an issue, but in the long run, it can turn into one, especially if it's just a generally busy thing continuing on for long periods of time. I had planned that because I know I'll have a lot of time (which I didn't realize I could've used to do these things) but I expected to be with my friends. The friends I'm talking about I've had for as long as I can remember. My one friend and I have been friends since the beginning; junior kindergarten, elementary school. And those guys have been my laughing buddies.
I guess that's the huge shitty part when you start continuing with life, getting older and change is always there to happen. I start losing touch, not hanging out as much or always being busy, even though we may seem free. Or when plans are made but have to be dropped because of other shit that makes no sense or because you feel like you can't or are unwanted. Unwanted by those friends you've loved from the beginning and still love with every inch. I guess I'm somewhat of an extroverted but introverted friend? If that is even a thing.
The reason this is all crumbling before me is because I've had a lot to think about. From being a part of new things, to seeing old things fall apart and to seeing others fade or stretch away. All of these things are change and will happen whether we want them to or not. And I can't help but complain and just want something to help. I am fed up because I just want to have SOMETHING like it used to be. I want to be with people I always laugh with, connect with and just feel at home with. And those people are my best friends from home, and yet here I am crying to myself as I talk to one. Because I don't know what else to do. Am I just supposed to tell them, "Hey, sorry I've been such a shitty friend I want to hangout more because I feel like we don't enough and I miss you guys?" Because I already have. They know and I feel like a broken record. And whenever we try to plan shit, especially as of lately, I feel like we are just so fucking busy all the time, especially this coming week. I wish I could be a better friend. I wish I knew how. I love them, I want them to know I WANT to be there and I miss them so fucking much.
I miss how it used to be. I just want that back. And I know I never will. FUCK.
I love you guys. And I hope you know that.
I hope we fucking hangout.
I hope I continue to do more SET WISE because fuck I haven't and need to start getting ON SHIT FOR SCHOOL.
But god damn.
I just need a friend day.
I need you guys.
I need that back.
I'm such a baby haha. I seriously cannot handle this sometimes. And it sucks.
I seriously need to sleep. Got a long journey home.
Only a few hours more before I need to be up again.
Goodnight.
Try to get some sleep.
And if you can't, that's okay.
That's what trips, cars and buses are for.
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